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Light and Darkness

Health & Wellbeing, Musings of sorts

Living with light and darkness

March 20, 2014

The darkness overtakes me sometimes.

I think I am an awful person.

Fat. Useless. Nothing.  Nobody.

I hate my job. It is not what I am meant for. I don’t know what I am meant to do instead.

I compare myself to others; how did she get that thin?

How did they afford that house/ holiday/ car?

Our apartment is not big enough. We will never have enough money. 

Why am I so far behind everyone else?

I look at my friends with children.

I am both completely envious yet at the same time exhilarated and grateful that my life is still mine and I can do what I please. Continue Reading…

Musings of sorts

Living back in the Light

July 6, 2014

A couple of months ago I was feeling like absolute shit.

I didn’t realise it at the time but I was putting so much pressure on myself to do what everyone else is doing.

I was feeling inadequate by comparing myself to others.

I then worked myself up into a really negative thinking space. Everything looked black.

We don’t have a house, we haven’t decided if children are for us.

We don’t know what we are doing in the next two years. WE MUST HAVE A PLAN! 

I felt like not knowing what to do was very wrong.

I felt guilty and that something MUST be wrong with me. Uncertainty irks me.  Continue Reading…

Health & Wellbeing

My Mental Health Journey – World Mental Health Day

October 10, 2016

As you know, I have written a lot about mental health in the past. My journey and my mum’s. It is something I will have to keep an eye on for the rest of my life, being susceptible to anxiety. Like having high blood pressure. While I’m in quite a good state of mental health at the moment, (aside from the ongoing stress of waiting for DVA to approve the husband’s surgery), it hasn’t always been like this. What I want to say to you, is that no state of mind stays with us forever. There are good days and bad days. Days when you feel on top of the world. Days when you feel like you are alone in the darkness. Even though you might feel like this feeling that you have is never going to end, hang in there, because it will move and shift and change like the tides.

Here are five posts I’ve written in the past to illustrate my journey. I hope they shed some light, and hope. Continue Reading…

Health & Wellbeing, Musings of sorts

Enlisting Help

April 4, 2014


Some of you were concerned with my post a few weeks ago about living with light and darkness. Surprisingly, it was the post that I was most concerned about posting, and the one that has receive the most feedback, hits and support. People I have not seen in a long time, called to see if I was okay, friends hubby’s messaged and reached out to me offering advice. I was overwhelmed by the love and support I have received for writing these feelings that I thought I had no right to have and that were stupid.

Very close friends said nothing. Some people asked what I have to be unhappy about.

Nothing. That is what feeling depressed is. I do have it all, and my rational mind tells me this. I have safe place to live by the beach, a loving partner and family, a meaningful job and my health. Regardless of this you feel like shit anyway. You know there are worse people off than you, but it is not a reasoning space that your brain is in.

All you can see is black. Continue Reading…

Musings of sorts

Friends Like These

December 6, 2016

Friends like these.

Take you with all your shit, bullshit and darkness. Laugh with you in the light, know your actual weight and call you out when you accidentally fart.

Buy you presents from overseas “just because” they saw it in a shop on their travels.

Fight with you like a sister, bury it, and get over it quickly and move on to the next journey.

Stop a card game for two hours to go on to solve all the problems of the world (and then some.)

Call you up on your lies, pick up when you are holding truth from them and when something just isn’t right.

But again, bury it, move on and move forward.

Wake you up to walk, when you don’t really want to, but you’d rather be half asleep with them than miss out on the opportunity to be with them at all.

Growing, learning together, getting through the messiness and wonderfulness that this adult life is all about.

Friends like these.


Daily Life

Day 5 – Letting Go

January 5, 2016

We are up to day five of my de-cluttering escapade. We are going through the whole house using the Marie Kondo method.

It’s actually kind of exciting. When we moved in we had no cash, and moved in with a clump of things from our parents and items we got from e-bay.

Now we are actually picking furniture, designing rooms and it is sort of exciting, like a new start.

We are both going to be working here in 2016, so we want the space to walk in and feel, ahhhh, creative and all that.

The categories so far have been pretty easy.

Yes. No. Throw. Keep. E-bay. Charity.

Today I got to the chest of memories that I have been avoiding for some time.

Notable items include:

  1. A whole hard drive of photos of the life I had (with my ex) for four years in London.
  2. Boxes of letters.
  3. Diaries of anguish, poetry and unrequited love from my grungy teen years.
  4. Valentine cards from ex’s.
  5. Letters to those I had never sent (mostly angry or pathetic.)
  6. Notable awards, (including the SUSSAN sales award for over $500, back in the year 2000).

As soon as I opened the box I felt a darkness wash over me. A lot of stuff has been shut away in there for a long time. I left my ex boyfriend quite suddenly in London. As if to validate the time we spent together, I hung onto it all. The letters and cards and photos. Although it was right in the end, for both of us really, I am not super proud of the way things happened. Sitting there in the darkness is the hard drive of photos from our years of Europe travel and London times, where I really formed some of the best friendships of my life.

Such a big time of growth and joy. Just sitting there. Those photos have never seen the light of day.

I took a deep breath and went through the box of items two to six first.

Laughter. Joy. Sadness. Tears.

The Ginger Hunk came and gave me some cuddles and we talked about what we would keep from our ex’s and why.

(This is why I LOVE him. I FREAKING LOVE HIM.)

I then cracked open a bottle of red to salute my former self and send things on their way that no longer serve.

At the end of the night, I kept some of the things that bring me joy, but threw out those that didn’t. Some stuff, like home made cards from my first ever boyfriend, and photos from back in the day make me smile. But some shit just makes me feel like shit. Like it did back when I wrote it.

And that needs to go.

That hard drive is being brought back to the computer, for the next phase of its life.

I have decided to make a photo book of all that adventure. Adventure brings me joy.

(Ex or not.)

The end result?

An empty chest, in both senses of the word.

I feel so much lighter.


Anyone else going through a new year major clean out? 

What is your view on old love memorabilia? 

Much love,

Ashleigh XXX