Health & Wellbeing, Reflections

Being fit and fat

Yesterday at F45 I had a little breakthrough. I did two sets of bench hops without a break. This is a big deal. (For me anyway.)

I have always done long, slow, endurance training. This year, I have given it up (besides half of a half marathon program) and have been F45ing. I am feeling fit and stronger every week and I am noticing the changes (like the bench hops).

The thing is though despite feeling fitter is that I am heavier than ever. In the last two years with consistent training, I have slowly but steadily put on seven kilos. (Before you comment, this is not all muscle. I have a post baby tummy, despite no baby ever.)

The weight gain can be attributed to a number of things:

  1. Sitting at my desk
  2. Being on anti-depressants for 18 months
  3. Age (34)
  4. Diet (eating Ginger Hunk sized meals)
  5. Stopping long sets of cardio
  6. Increase in muscle mass (but not seven whole kilos).

I used to be the type of person that put all my food in an app, weigh myself every day, and gasp aloud like I have seen a ghost if the scales moved 200grams in the wrong direction. I would totally beat myself up about it, and was never happy. I would avoid eating out, or only eat out if it was certain foods. But it was never good enough. Now I look back at photos of my seven kilos lighter weight and I think I look fucking amazeballs! If only I could have appreciated it. This is me, in 2009, running my first half marathon. Sooo skinny. (Yes, I was doing weight watchers but also drinking alcohol like an elephant.)


With age comes wisdom, and in dealing with my anxiety, my food and weight obsession was not serving me well. It was a full time job trying to look that good. I did not have room for writing, or reading or dreaming. And with all my effort, I had remained the same weight for about three years. So what was the point? It took about a year with a therapist to get out of all of my unhealthy anxious habits about food (and other things) and now I can say I weigh myself about once a month. The happiest I have been with my body is probably when I was doing triathlon, as above, probably only a five kilo difference to what I am not, but I felt so strong!

Life has other plans for me these days and training 12 hours a week isn’t one of them. Having said that though, it is time to refocus on my food. I do have to be careful that I do not go down the slippery slope of obsession. I did not like the photos of me in Bali recently in my bikini. I would like to lose my gut. I would like to feel confident and toned again and have a flat stomach. I would like to feel better in jeans.

Here’s me this year in May with my more, ‘womanly’ figure. Not fat, I hear you say. But not my best me. 


I have tried a few times this year to kick some weight, but only half arse, then things got in the way. So now I am on Michelle Bridges, the 1500 calorie plan, and have booked myself into a dexa scan to see what my body composition is like. I always just pick a random number out of the air, to determine my goal weight, which is based on nothing, (other than I weighed that when I was 25.)

I love to train and the fitness is not the issue, with F45 and the CanToo swim, yoga and walks at lunch I have the summer sorted.

It is food for me that is the struggle, so it’s time to get planning.

I am determined before my India adventure on the 11th Feb to get to my best me, one day at a time.

Oh and without daily gasping on the scales.

Happy Sunday!

Ashleigh XXX


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