Health & Wellbeing, Musings of sorts

Being fit and fat

October 11, 2015

Yesterday at F45 I had a little breakthrough. I did two sets of bench hops without a break. This is a big deal. (For me anyway.)

I have always done long, slow, endurance training. This year, I have given it up (besides half of a half marathon program) and have been F45ing. I am feeling fit and stronger every week and I am noticing the changes (like the bench hops).

The thing is though despite feeling fitter is that I am heavier than ever. In the last two years with consistent training, I have slowly but steadily put on seven kilos. (Before you comment, this is not all muscle. I have a post baby tummy, despite no baby ever.)

The weight gain can be attributed to a number of things:

  1. Sitting at my desk
  2. Being on anti-depressants for 18 months
  3. Age (34)
  4. Diet (eating Ginger Hunk sized meals)
  5. Stopping long sets of cardio
  6. Increase in muscle mass (but not seven whole kilos).

I used to be the type of person that put all my food in an app, weigh myself every day, and gasp aloud like I have seen a ghost if the scales moved 200grams in the wrong direction. I would totally beat myself up about it, and was never happy. I would avoid eating out, or only eat out if it was certain foods. But it was never good enough. Now I look back at photos of my seven kilos lighter weight and I think I look fucking amazeballs! If only I could have appreciated it. This is me, in 2009, running my first half marathon. Sooo skinny. (Yes, I was doing weight watchers but also drinking alcohol like an elephant.)

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With age comes wisdom, and in dealing with my anxiety, my food and weight obsession was not serving me well. It was a full time job trying to look that good. I did not have room for writing, or reading or dreaming. And with all my effort, I had remained the same weight for about three years. So what was the point? It took about a year with a therapist to get out of all of my unhealthy anxious habits about food (and other things) and now I can say I weigh myself about once a month. The happiest I have been with my body is probably when I was doing triathlon, as above, probably only a five kilo difference to what I am not, but I felt so strong!

Life has other plans for me these days and training 12 hours a week isn’t one of them. Having said that though, it is time to refocus on my food. I do have to be careful that I do not go down the slippery slope of obsession. I did not like the photos of me in Bali recently in my bikini. I would like to lose my gut. I would like to feel confident and toned again and have a flat stomach. I would like to feel better in jeans.

Here’s me this year in May with my more, ‘womanly’ figure. Not fat, I hear you say. But not my best me. 

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I have tried a few times this year to kick some weight, but only half arse, then things got in the way. So now I am on Michelle Bridges, the 1500 calorie plan, and have booked myself into a dexa scan to see what my body composition is like. I always just pick a random number out of the air, to determine my goal weight, which is based on nothing, (other than I weighed that when I was 25.)

I love to train and the fitness is not the issue, with F45 and the CanToo swim, yoga and walks at lunch I have the summer sorted.

It is food for me that is the struggle, so it’s time to get planning.

I am determined before my India adventure on the 11th Feb to get to my best me, one day at a time.

Oh and without daily gasping on the scales.

Happy Sunday!

Ashleigh XXX

 

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