I spent so much time deliberating at the start of this blogging journey about the decision to (or not to) have a baby. A few people have asked me about it quite recently so I feel I should update on the situation. I was rather anxious about it 14 months ago. I was thinking about it all the time. I felt I had to decide right away. I saw people ‘settling’ down having families and felt a massive panic. Although it was something I had never really pictured for myself, (nor had The Ginger Hunk and I discussed it at all), I started to feel like it was time.
I did all the right things, got the job, bought an apartment and told my sister to keep her baby stuff.
Yet when the ‘time’ ensued, a feeling of panic would set in. High anxiety panic. Alarm bells and a firm NO.
I couldn’t talk about it much because then came the stories from friends. The ones who were not sure about having kids and then they had them and it all worked out. The accidental pregnancy that worked out for the best. Then the guilt when I heard of those I knew who desperately want to have kids and can’t get pregnant. (Who knows if my plumbing even works by the way?) I watched friends in their mid thirties meet men and get pregnant straight away.
I wondered what that feeling was, the wanting, the yearning to be a mum.
I just didn’t have it.
I googled high and low for the answer to come. I asked everyone I knew, why they chose to have kids. HOW did they make this decision? Some people said they just knew they wanted kids, like I ‘knew’ I wanted to marry The Ginger Hunk. Other people said they didn’t know and it just happened. I read books about over population and couples that were happily childfree. I followed childfree blogs and Elizabeth Gilbert.
Looking. Waiting. Wanting an answer.
The answer didn’t need to come from anywhere but me.
We talked and talked and talked. (The Ginger Hunk is as ambivalent as me by the way.)
We talked about the next thing, our hopes and dreams and how a little person would fit into that life. We talked about if we had really thought of ourselves as parents in the past. Neither of us had. If we really wanted to spend Saturdays at sport for the next ten years? Neither of us did. We talked about what would happen if suddenly one of us got hit by the ‘urge’ and it was too late for me to conceive.
We talked about all the disadvantaged kids that need foster homes and how we could contribute.
We talked about how we feel like we are ‘enough’ for each other and that nothing is missing in this moment.
So for now, the decision we made is no decision. We just live our until one of us get hits with the urge, and then we agree to talk some more. If the urge never comes then so be it. If fate or time makes the final decision for us, then so be it.
Being an organised and planned person I have never been at peace with the feeling of indecision like I am now.
In this moment I will remain fulfilled being Aunty Ash, making cakes, having sleepovers, and sniffing my niece and nephews soft skin to get my fix.
Then I will happily hand them back.