Last night I had a big cry.
A good old fashioned wail on the bed with my face in the pillow. Sobbing my little soul out.
It felt amazing.
Today I feel lighter.
Too often we are told to suppress our emotions. We tell others. “Don’t be sad”, “hold it together” and “stop crying” when we see people in tears. I’ve been feeling a bit meh lately but battling on. I am not feeling like doing much. Seeing people or writing or exercising. I’m consumed by this cloud that is hanging above us.
It is coming on four long months since The Ginger Hunk has not been able to work. We are waiting the outcome of separate DVA matters as I have said before. What turned out as my year as ‘self-exploration’ away from my permanent role, has turned into my year of ‘full time work again’ in another similar role. Which isn’t a bad thing, because the place isn’t bad and the people are nice, the work is interesting. I’m grateful that I have the experience behind me that I can pick up work. But more than anything else, I’m sad because I’ve watched my sporty Ginger Hunk turn into a couch potato. The man who used to climb walls now can’t climb up stairs, walk down the street or do anything much.
Health really is everything isn’t it?
I’m feeling everyday torn about choices I make. I go to social activities on my own which leaves me with a feeling that I should be home with him. I go to work needing the money but it leaves me feeling again like I should be home with him. And so we wait, with the DVA having the answer in our hands, chewing through our savings, putting off career and travel plans, waiting and waiting.
First I waited with hope, then with impatience. Now I’m at the feeling like the answer won’t come.
That this is it now.
So yesterday, I let it all out.
Sobbed. Cried. Yelled. Blubbered.
It was a panic attack, crying fit of sorts.
But I got it all out.
By allowing myself to feel these emotions instead of soldiering along, I feel a whole lot better today.
I’m still in the same situation.
Acknowledging the feeling, and allowing it to pass through me instead of fighting it, might just help me wait that little bit longer.
Had a good cry recently?
Did it help?
Hope you have a lovely long weekend.
Ashleigh XX
