Relationships

He MIGHT Be Cheating: Would You Tell?

July 24, 2016

Put yourself in this scenario. (Disclaimer: It may be me. It may be something that a friend described, it may be a hypothetical mash up of things.) But let’s say for simplicity the story goes this way. A person you sort of know, says that their friend says that they saw (insert person you know here’s name) partner cheating on her a long time ago.

You know for a fact, that the person you know and their partner were together at the time. They seem happy and fine now.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THIS FOURTH HAND INFORMATION?

Do you rely on said person that you hardly know, and tell the person that you do know, that you heard, from someone else, who heard from someone else that her partner MAY HAVE done xyz (insert cheating crime here), a number of years ago. But you would also tell her, that you can’t know for sure, because you didn’t see it in front of your own beady eyes. It was something that you heard, from someone, who said something, but you cannot verify that it is an ACTUAL FACT.

Is it worth causing the heartache to the person you know through fourth hand gossip?

I think not.

I wouldn’t think that intervening in this scenario is worth the pain that it will cause, one, on their relationship, two, on your relationship with the friend in question and three, the relationship with said person’s cousins, brothers, dogs, cousins, cat who allegedly saw the cheating. What I would do in this situation, is encourage the person who saw the cheating to come forward to the friend, if it was that hideous, or ask them to talk to the alleged cheater about his behaviour to see his side of things.

If it was a once, off, stupid act, would it be worth telling?

What if he did it once, to ever regret it for eternity?

Would you want to know if it was you, even if I wasn’t sure?

My friend and I were having this discussion the other day, in relation to questions about life and marriage and having one partner for a very long time. No we thought, we wouldn’t want to know. If our loved ones did something ridiculously stupid, once, it is not worth the pain. Absolutely not, if they never did it again. (Note to The Ginger Hunk, this is not a free pass.) But what if they fall madly in love with someone, and realise they do not love me anymore? I’ve been in this scenario, literally by accident, and I have been the breaker of the heart. It sucked. It wasn’t like me to be a cheater. I’m sure it sucked more for my ex. But feelings changed and you can’t continue to live a lie.

Absolutely yes I would want to know if my partner fell in love with someone else. I would not want him to live with me and pretend.

Life is too short for that.

It is a tough one. I’ve had friend’s confess to me that partner of abc when they were very drunk/almost incoherent propositioned sexual escapades, only to profusely regret it on their next sober occasion. Do they tell their friend about it, if the bloke in question was drunk and regretful? Or what if you hear rumours that a husband to be is calling their ex a few days before his wedding? Is this viewed as something sinister? Or do we assume the best case out of a scenario, that sometimes we need to clear our cobwebs before opening up the next window? I know this has been important for me at some stages.

What do you do, do you be that person or do you do nothing?

Do you assume the best, or the worst?

Discuss.

Ashleigh XXX

 

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  • Unless I found out first hand (and even then I would have to think about it carefully) – I would keep my mouth shut!

  • It’s so tricky. I think context is important – to me there’s a huge difference between a drunken one nighter and having a strong emotional connection with someone else. As for that fourth hand information – I think I would steer well clear. Info can go well past it’s use by date and if I’m going to broach such a tricky subject, I think I’d have to have had seen it with my own eyes. Gee, it’s a minefield out there!

  • It is something friends and I have discussed before. If my hubby fell in love with someone I would just want him to leave me, I want someone who is happy with me and loves and desires me, not someone who stays because we have kids etc, if he cheated emotionally or physically with someone he loved I would want to know, but a one night mistake I wouldn’t want to know. It may sound stupid but I wouldn’t want to ruin our marriage over a nobody and one mistake. If I knew I would never trust him again so it would be over, no question.