Health & Wellbeing

Reflecting on Body Image, and Seven Extra Kilos

July 12, 2016

My friend sent me this image above and I laughed and laughed and laughed. It is sooo true. When I met The Ginger Hunk, I was, well, skinny. At the time of course I didn’t think it though. I thought I was fat. So fat. I would stand on the scales and GASP when I saw that the scales had moved 200 grams in a certain direction. Like I had seen a ghost. I’m much heavier now than I was back then. I’ve put on about a kilo a year since that time, on and off. My relationship with food, for many years was a very unhealthy one. I had times of being super restrictive, then binging with not a care in the world.

At my skinniest...somewhere dancing in 2009

At my skinniest…somewhere dancing in 2009. (When I thought I was fat.)

I don’t know when it started but I always thought I was fat. I was nicknamed Fat Ash, as a joke in high school and not being good anything much sporty wise. It sort of stuck into young-adulthood. I always felt inadequate. A series of early boyfriends really damaged me in the body image department. One boyfriend, who seemed to have his own body issues (and going through a super annoying bodybuilding phase) told me that “I disgusted him”, because of my lack of exercise. Instead of kicking his arse to the kerb, I decided to lose weight. I joined him in the gym, and got pretty lean after a while. But I never felt it was good enough for him. He never complimented me, and I did not feel all the effort was worth it in the end. Fast forward to significant relationship number two. (I do not know how I meet these humans, seriously.) We are away for our first weekend in the Hunter Valley. I’m in my early twenties and I’m pretty excited, so I invest before the weekend in some underwear. He tells me, that I look fat, after an errrr, intimate moment. I cry and cry and cry in front of him. He says he did not mean to offend me. I do not see this as a problem, and I vow to lose weight.

Happy and Healthy in Koh Samui in 2012

Happy and Healthy in Koh Samui in 2013

And so the cycle began. Of thinking that others were judging me, instead of how I feel about myself. I’ve been through  a lof of phases with what I am into, training wise and diets over the years, which impacts on my body shape. I had success on Michelle Bridges, but did not find it suitable for endurance training. I did triathlon for a while which made super fit. I did F45 for a year which made me lean up but I felt like I had a lot of pain and tightness in my back. I think I have found a balance now, where I love to run or do a CanToo program, and fit in the other stuff I love, like yoga and a spin class. My body issues tended to flare up in times of stress, and they got to a point where I saw a counsellor about it. I will no longer use an app or calorie count, and didn’t have scales for about a year, until recently. I’ve never been as skinny again as the stressed out person dancing in the top image. And I never want to be. But, after really not giving a shit for ages, now I am at the heavier end of my fluctuation range. So now, I embark to be on a healthier relationship with food. From not caring anymore, to caring, but not being obsessed, for me, just me.

How’s your relationship with food and your body image going? 

Good? Bad? Ugly?

Are you on a health kick too? 

Happy Tuesday 

Ashleigh XXX

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